For decades, researchers have explored the science of happiness. When asked about the single most crucial factor, psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky points to "feeling loved." This is the central tenet of her latest work, co-authored with Harry Reis.
The premise is that our happiness is significantly influenced not by the love we give, but by the love we receive. While many attempt to change themselves or others to feel more loved, Lyubomirsky and Reis propose a different approach: altering our conversations.
LISTEN BETTER TO GET MORE LOVE
To feel more loved, the authors suggest making others feel loved by you first. A powerful tool for this is becoming a better listener. Shifting from a mindset of waiting to respond to one of genuine understanding can transform interactions. When individuals feel truly seen and heard, they become more inclined to reciprocate that care.
Key practices include avoiding interruptions, refraining from offering unsolicited advice, and asking thoughtful follow-up questions. Simple prompts like "Tell me more" can foster deeper connection.
FOCUS ON ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME
Instead of trying to overhaul all relationships, focus on cultivating stronger feelings of love from one specific person. This could be a partner, family member, or even a colleague.
The authors emphasize that giving and receiving love are reciprocal. By showing genuine curiosity and attentiveness, you can create a two-way street of emotional connection. This reciprocity is a strong social norm that often leads to mutual care and kindness.
KNOW WHEN TO THROW IN THE TOWEL
If, despite your best efforts, a relationship lacks reciprocity or genuine curiosity, it may not be worth the investment. Assess whether the other person demonstrates interest in understanding you.
Ultimately, Lyubomirsky and Reis argue that feeling loved is within our control, achievable through intentional communication and choosing relationships where such connection can flourish.